


1-13 So Many Birthdays

by iippo



Series: Steven Universe Renaissance [13]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:41:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26233606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iippo/pseuds/iippo
Summary: Steven learns that Amethyst is thousands of years old and decides to make up for all the thousands of birthdays she has missed. When the birthday parties don't go as planned, Steven sinks into a gradually worsening depression that makes him grow older the more he fears outgrowing things.
Series: Steven Universe Renaissance [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1796686
Kudos: 7





	1-13 So Many Birthdays

**Author's Note:**

> An alternative universe. See series page for details.

Steven Universe and Amethyst were walking through Amethyst’s room inside the Crystal Temple. Steven was carrying a long stick, which he used to probe the piles of junk lining the walls and floors and ceilings of the cavernous room.

“The smell is getting stronger; we’re getting close,” Steven said to a reluctant Amethyst trailing after him, unphased by the stench Steven was referring to. He opened a door to an empty fridge with the stick in order to peek inside before moving on.

“Everything was fine ‘til you started whining,” Amethyst grumbled with a dismissive wave of her hand.

“Whining? Every time you opened the temple door, my room would reek for an hour!” Steven protested and kept probing Amethyst’s stuff with his stick, while covering his nose with his other hand.

“Found it!” He exclaimed and picked up the source of the offending stink: a cylinder wrapped in tinfoil.

“No, no, that’s, uhh, that’s an ancient gem artefact,” Amethyst fibbed.

Steven unwrapped the tinfoil and the smell almost knocked him out. “It's a burrito,” He rebuffed and held the burrito as far from his face as he could.

Recognition dawning, Amethyst took the rotten burrito from him. “It's the Tuna Burrito from Aqua-Mexican!”

“That place closed like five years ago!” Steven exclaimed in disgusted astonishment. Amethyst took a bite from the ancient burrito and Steven almost gagged. He looked away, but as he did so, he noticed something in the piles of junk that distracted him of the disgusting thing Amethyst just did.

“Huh, what's this?” He pulled out a small framed painting depicting historical people in a small boat rescuing people from a shipwreck and fighting a shark. “It kinda looks like you and my mom.”

“Oh Steven, that is us!” Amethyst exclaimed with a smile.

“Really?” Steven studied the picture and found it hard to believe.

“The hard part was getting the shark to pose,” Amethyst reminisced and took the picture to take a closer look.

“Why is everyone dressed like old timey people?” Steven questioned, having found the logical flaw in Amethyst’s claim.

“Ummm, ‘cos they are old timey people,” Amethyst answered and placed the picture on a pride of place on a pile of junk.

“Wait... But that would mean...” Realisation dawned on Steven as he looked at Amethyst with wholly new eyes, “how _old_ are you?”

“Much older than any human,” Amethyst answered casually, unsure herself what the correct number would be.

“Does that mean you'll live forever?!” Steven asked with a huge grin, excited to discover new cool secret powers about gems.

“No, no,” Amethyst said. “Gems just don't age. But we can still get hurt and die,” she said cheerily.

Steven’s grin melted away into a huge, sad frown and then into an expression of abject horror as Amethyst moaned, clasped her stomach, lurched forward with a grunt and keeled over.

Steven was ready to die of shock as he rushed to Amethyst, who then jumped up, gleeful that she had managed to trick Steven. “Ha, gotcha! You should have seen the look on your face!”

Steven laughed in relief, and also to mask the fact that Amethyst’s trick had really upset him; he didn’t want Amethyst to think he was a wimp. “Gems can’t die of food poisoning,” Amethyst clarified as she didn’t really notice Steven’s discomfort. She started to head back out of the temple, and Steven had to run to catch up to her.

“I just can't believe you are like a bazillion years old, though,” Steven directed the conversation back to today’s topic of interest. “How do you find a cake big enough for all those candles?”

Amethyst glanced at Steven quizzically. “Ummm, I don't really celebrate birthdays.”

Steven gasped loudly. “Why not?!” He demanded to know.

Amethyst shrugged. “I mean, I don’t even know when it would be. Calendars weren’t invented when I came out.”

Steven missed the tantalising allusion to Amethyst’s origin for he was too busy being outraged about the lack of birthday celebrations. “Well I can't just ignore this tramesty of unjustice. I pledge that you will have your birthdays, with all the candy, cake, and ice cream you've been denied!” He announced clenching his fist and striking a heroic pose.

Amethyst stopped in her tracks as Steven started listing foods. She fought valiantly against Aqua-Mexico’s revenge, but lost the battle, doubled over and retched.

\- - -

Steven spent the rest of the day making preparations. Steven’s dad, Greg Universe, was too busy with a car wash emergency to help or join the party, but he let Steven use all the birthday decorations he had stowed away. And Steven decided to go for a traditional format.

So on the beach outside of the house he set up a folding table with food – among them a birthday cake with lots of candles – as well as balloons, and a large "birthday throne". He had Amethyst sit on the throne, wear the birthday cape and crowned her with the birthday crown.

“And the birthday queen is, Amethyst!” He proclaimed once Amethyst’s outfit was completed. Steven himself was wearing a yellow cone-shaped party hat. “I hope you like it, Dad made me this outfit and it brings me special birthday luck every year,” he explained. Amethyst smiled, more for Steven’s sake than any particular enjoyment she was deriving of the ritual.

Steven switched on the toy microphone to lay down the beat, and began to sing the birthday song he had written for Amethyst: “It might as well be your birthday, so why don’t we have a party? Even if your age isn’t real and your body’s an illusion!” He performed his song and dance until he noticed Lion messing with a party hat.

“Hey!, I-it goes like this,” he ran over to Lion and put the hat properly on the animal. Lion immediately began attempts to take it off. “Lion, you're killing me,” Steven grumbled as he struggled to force the animal to wear the hat correctly. He glanced at Amethyst for moral support and to check that everything was going well in that end of the party; Amethyst was wearing a party-hat on her face like a beak.

Steven gave up on the hat-wearing rules, ready to move to the next phase of the party. “Here,” he said as he handed Amethyst a bat with a pink ribbon on it.

“Awww, thanks!” Amethyst said as she took the bat. “I'll use it all the time!” She admired the bat.

“No, it's for the piñata,” Steven clarified. He blindfolded Amethyst and held the piñata. “The piñata is an artifact from ancient Aqua-Mexico,” he elucidated while Amethyst swung and missed several times. She peeked from under her blindfold, took aim and hit the piñata so hard it flew way out into the ocean.

Amethyst cast the bat aside, proud of her accomplishment. “Ha, what next Steven?”

Steven was dumbfounded, still holding the now empty and useless piñata-stick. “Well, you were supposed to get delicious candy when you broke it open and--” he explained.

“Wait!” Amethyst interrupted with a gasp of abject sorrow. “You had candy and you didn't just give it to me?!” She felt incredibly bertrayed.

“There will be more sweet treats in the next part. I promise,” Steven explained in an attempt to make her feel better. He asked Amethyst to wait at the throne, while he ran back to the beach house to get the needed materials.

Soon Steven came back dressed like a clown, with rainbow colored hair, red nose, white face paint and red lipstick. He also had on a pair of Greg’s sandals, which were much too big for him, and Greg’s old white sleeveless shirt that hung on him like an extremely revealing dress.

“Happy Birthday! HONK!” Steven exclaimed and squeezed his clown nose.

“Steven! That is a _brave_ look!” Amethyst admired and started getting ideas for her next regeneration.

“No, it's funny,” Steven corrected.

“How?”

“Huh,” Steven stopped to think why anything is considered funny and frowned. Then he realised frowning was a very un-clownylike action, and panicked. “Oh geez, I'm breaking character. Wait wait wait, I know! Amethyst, do you like pie?” Steven asked, back in his clown character (which was honestly indistinguishable from his usual normal self -character).

“I _do_ like pie,” Amethyst said, excited for those promised sweet treats.

Steven walked over to a picnic basket he had brought from the house and took out a pie. “Well then you're in luck, I baked you a pie!” He announced and showed it to a delighted Amethyst. Pie tins were her favourite.

“I sure hope nothing happens to it!” Steven announced loudly as he walked over to the throne.

“Yeah, me too,” Amethyst agreed.

Steven tripped intentionally: “WOAH! Whoops!”

Thanks to her lightning-like reflexes, Amethyst caught Steven before anything happened. “WOAH! Steven, I've got you!” She helped him back up, while chiding: “Be careful, you almost fell right on that- AH!“ She yelped as Steven shoved the entire pie in his own face, since his pratfall had been interrupted.

“See Amethyst? It’s funnnnnnny!” He explained with a laugh, face covered in pie. Amethyst just stared in shock, sad that yet another tasty thing was wasted.

“...This isn't going at all like it should,” Steven mused as he threw the pie tin aside and took off his wig. “I've got to pull this together into the ultimate birthday!”

\- - -

Steven led Amethyst to the Boardwalk and onto an empty lot, where two kiddie cars were waiting for them, just as Steven had arranged.

“Okay, there's no way you're not gonna love this!” Steven announced. “It's kazoo racers! You get in a car, you play a kazoo, what more could you want?!” To emphasize how awesome it was about to get, he blew into a kazoo and held out another one to Amethyst. “Dad used to do this for me every year,” he added.

Amethyst took the offered kazoo and they hopped into the cars; Amethyst into a miniature Jeep, Steven into a red convertible.

Except they couldn’t fit into the miniature vehicles. “Oh, ah, you just, ummm...” Steven floundered and tried to arrange his body into the space that was much too small for him.

“I can fit!” Amethyst exclaimed and shapeshifted into a baby. “Which way to the baby war?” She hollered and drove around Steven in circles. “Eat tread, dirt bags!”

Steven watched her infantile form and paused in thought. “What if birthdays... are just for little kids? What if even... I'm too old?” He mused, realisation creeping in.

Amethyst pulled up next to Steven. “No way! You TOTALLY fit!” She picked him up and attempted to shove him in at a different angle, but his legs dangled hopelessly over the convertible’s windshield. “Oh, my bad, you are too old,” she said and drove off with a laugh.

Steven stood up slowly and started to walk away, the kiddie car stuck to his behind.

“You okay?” Amethyst pulled up next to him again.

“I just need to think,” Steven said, feeling flat. “Kazoo Racers suddenly seems undignified.”

\- - -

As Steven walked down the Boardwalk, the mists of time rolled in from the ocean. Combined with the setting sun, it was getting dark fast and Steven was really feeling the passage of time. So much so that his gem started reacting to his mood.

“I never realized birthdays meant leaving things behind. All these parties, ugh, so embarrassing...” And as he processed his feelings, his gem under his shirt activated. A white light began to emanate and without realising it, he took on the form of a teenager: he got taller and more muscular, and some facial hairs and pimples sprouted up on his face.

He walked up to the Funland Arcade and saw his friend Onion inside. Steven sighed. “Oh Onion, so young, so innocent,” he said to himself, not noticing how his voice was squeaking with puberty, and turned around just in time to miss Onion prying open the Skee-Ball machine to steal all the tickets.

Steven looked around the arcade, feeling conflicted about the various games he wanted to play. Then he noticed that one of his favourite games that had been out of order for a long time was up again. It had a picture of a baby-cop chasing baby-gangsters with a huge mallet, and a mallet for whacking the bad guys popping out of the holes. “Whacker Man Jr.!” He exclaimed, but then glanced around nervously. “Awh, I can't be seen playing a childish game like Whacker Man Jr. I better stick to sophisticated games, like regular Whacker Man...” He stepped over to the adult version of the game, which featured adult-cops and adult-gangsters.

Steven inserted his quarter, and the game announced: “It's whackin' time. You're gonna get whacked!” Steven bopped one of the figures with his mallet and chuckled nervously from enjoyment. Maybe growing up was not so bad.

After the game he headed out again and walked further along the Boardwalk.

“That was fun, but a boy on the cusp of manhood can't spend the whole day whackering,” Steven mused as he paused outside the t-shirt shop with a “Help Wanted” sign on the door. “I need to take control of my life,” he decided. And with that his gem glowed and his body shifted again, now into a full-grown man. “It's time: to get a proper job,” he announced with his new adult voice as he entered the store. ”But which one?” He pondered and looked over the options. “Surf Master? No. Love Doctor? I'm too squeamish.” He looked around some more, and then: “Ah, now this is the job for me!” He exited the store wearing his purchase, a red shirt with the words "Professional Beach Hunk" printed on the front.

“Ha, this day went so fast, I need a pick-me-up.” Feeling accomplished, Steven headed towards the Big Donut, as his gem glowed again. By the time he entered the store, he was a balding middle-aged man. Lars and Sadie, the teenage employees of the store were stocking shelves as he entered.

“Two of the usual please, I've had quite a day,” Steven ordered, slumping against the counter.

“Umm, you must be confused pal, I work here every day and I've never seen your mug before,” Lars said from behind the counter.

”Oh hardy har, Lars,” Steven yelled exasperated, and Sadie turned to look at what was going on with a “huh?” Steven really wasn’t in the mood for Lars’s nonsense, no matter how cool he thought Lars was. Lars and Sadie exchanged a startled look. “I used to make jokes, but you know what? I've had a lot of time to think today and sometimes you gotta smarten up, act like an adult. Because one day, if you don't, everyone you know is gonna grow up without you. And then you won't have little Steven to pick on anymore because I'll be a grown up too!” Steven ranted at the increasingly more uncomfortable Lars, who didn’t know what to do in a situation like this.

Sadie put her hand on Lars’s chest to protect him. She was used to dealing with unhinged customers but this was even weirder than usual. “...Steven... who?” She asked.

“STEVEN QUARTZ UNIVERSE!” Steven yelled his name in outrage. “And I want THAT doughnut, right there!” He bent down to point at the display case. But as he did so he saw a reflection of his face in the glass. It startled him so hard he yelped and stumbled backwards.

“Sir, are you okay?” Sadie asked, leaning across the counter, concerned.

“I'M... OLD!?” Steven hollered in shock.

“Yeah, and nuts!” Lars blurted out without filter, but Steven didn’t notice.

“I'm going to have to eat fiber cereal, all my teeth are gonna fall out, and then, I'll have to eat oatmeal and it'll be sugar-free!” He catastrophised, fumbling to go sit at a table and his gem aged him even further. “Sugar-free!” He added for emphasis as Sadie came out from behind the counter to comfort him.

“I need to reverse this!” Steven realised, and Sadie smiled accommodatingly, hoping this weird situation would end soon. “I need, a reverse birthday...” Steven mused. “The king costume!” He looked up at Sadie and Lars. “Will you help me into my birthday suit?”

The teens were stunned – but not for long. Sadie, who was never shy to take action, decided that this had now gone too far and she chased the creepy old man out of the donut shop by waving a stool above her head. Steven ran away. “Yeah! You better run!” She screamed as she stopped the chase.

Steven ran down towards the beach, but managed to a pull a muscle in his back from the exertion.

“Aagh, I'm... too... old... for this,” he complained as he continued limping along. His gem glowed again, aging him into a very old man with long white hair and beard. He tripped over and wasn’t able to get back up. He felt so frail and vulnerable that he wanted to cry.

But as he glanced up, he saw Lion hovering above him. “Lion...” he mumbled. As if knowing exactly what to do, the animal picked Steven up with its mouth and ran towards the beach house.

Amethyst was on the beach, telling Greg about the birthday celebrations as he cleaned up all the decorations.

“Are you gonna keep wearing that stuff?” Greg asked, referring to the royal birthday outfit Amethyst was still donning.

“It makes me feel... important,” Amethyst explained.

Lion bounded to the beach and dropped a limp, ancient Steven on the sand. Amethyst dropped what she was doing and ran over to him.

“Steven!?” Greg was horrified. “What's wrong with him?”

“He's okay, he's just really, really, really, _really_ old!” Amethyst replied, cradling Steven’s head.

“I know gems can't die from aging,” Greg mumbled, tearing up, “but he's half human...”

“Can't we fix him?” Amethyst asked, looking at Greg pleadingly.

Steven cracked his eyes and whispered: “My birthday suit might help.”

Amethyst carefully positioned Steven to rest against Lion, whipped off the cape and crown and dressed Steven in them.

“Good as new! ...Right?” She said with a wavering voice and Steven slumped on the sand, too tired to hold himself upright.

“Thanks Amethyst, but I guess this suit's all out of birthday magic. We had a good run, huh?...” Steven mumbled and aged even more, with liver spots popping up on his skin and more hair falling out.

Amethyst stared at him in horror. Greg, fighting back tears, grabbed her and pulled her away.

“More birthdays. Now!” He said.

Amethyst shapeshifted into a kiddie car and Greg hopped in. “Check it out, B-Day Boy! I’m a tiny car!”

“Beep beep!” Greg added with a hopeful grin. Amethyst shapeshifted back to her normal body, leaving Greg still sitting on her back.

“Kids... stuff...”Steven wheezed and kept aging.

“Ooh, uh, piñata time!” Amethyst announced with barely-masked panic in her voice and shapeshifted into a piñata. Steven kept aging.

“It's not working!” Greg said, his voice unnaturally high.

Amethyst returned back to normal, and went to get the basket. “You do this one!”

“I can't!” Greg protested, tears welling in his eyes.

“FOR STEVEN!” Amethyst insisted and forced the clown wig onto Greg and handed him the pie.

“Oh, look...!” Greg announced, weeping. “I have what umm... what appears to be a delicious pie... I sincerely hope that... nothing happens to- OH STEVEN!” He broke down and shoved the entre pie in his face.

“Are you trying to kill him faster?!” Amethyst yelled, which made Greg fling himself at Amethyst and cling to her, crying even harder.

“Greg!” Amethyst yelled, struggling to get him off her. She broke free and walked up to Steven. She stood in front of him, feeling powerless, and angry, and her anger made her feel strong, but in the wrong way, and she hated feeling not good enough, and that her usual methods didn’t work, which made her feel powerless again, and the soup of complicated feelings overwhelmed her.

Finally she just picked Steven up. She held him at arms length, looking at him – and then started shaking him violently.

“AMETHYST!” Greg yelled in a panic and rushed over to stop her. “Wait a minute, what are you doing?! STOP!!”

Amethyst stopped, and with Greg still clinging to her arms, she slowly set Steven back down onto the sand. “I thought... violence... would be the answer,” Amethyst panted as she came to her senses.

Steven was almost unconscious but he could register – albeit barely – that Greg and Amethyst were both yelling and upset. And that made Steven feel upset. He struggled to raise himself.

“Would you guys, just please...” he started, feebly, but as his gem glowed and he de-aged into his adult form, his voice got stronger to finish his sentense: “Control yourselves?!” Steven boomed. Amethyst and Greg froze and stared at him in awe. Steven felt self-conscious at having yelled at his family, and de-aged into a teenager. “Ugh, oh no,” he said with a blush. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled. But I can't stand to see you freaking out like this!” He aged back into an adult at the end of the sentence.

“Wha-?” Was all Greg was able to get out.

“Steven, you're changing!” Amethyst yelled.

“It’s like your age is fluctuating. Like your gem is reacting to your state of mind,” Greg observed.

“Steven! Stop feeling old!” Amethyst yelled.

Steven, feeling embarrassed, turned into a teenager again. “But I wasted your time...” he said, but then aged into an old man again as he remembered: “We all have such little time...”

“Steven!” Greg and Amethyst freaked.

“You have to feel like your self!” Amethyst yelled. “Sweet and considerate and only occasionally obnoxious!”

Steven turned into a teenager upon hearing that. “You really think I'm all those things?”

“Yes!” Greg answered.

“Why else would you throw me all those parties?” Amethyst added, exasperated.

“Oh my gosh, you're right,” teen-Steven realised with a cracking voice, and at last turned back into Steven’s actual age and form wearing a now-oversized t-shirt. “I am pretty great.”

Greg and Amethyst rushed over to hug him. “Steven! Oh Steven!” Amethyst held on tight even after Greg took a step back to take a proper look at his son.

“We'll work on the rest, later,” he said and directed Steven’s attention to his long gangly adult legs that hadn’t yet turned to normal. Steven started laughing and did a comedic jig to try his new legs on for size.


End file.
